On Wednesday, May 16, 2018, the LCS cohort visited the LGBT Community Center in Hillcrest, San Diego to conduct yet another LEG exercise with the seniors at the center. This site visit was at a later time than our usual class meetings, and we were treated to an Italian lunch by the community center during the program.
The event had several tables spread out, and the seniors had dispersed in various areas. We were encouraged to break into small groups of two or three, sit with one or two seniors, and visit with them. Jackie and I sat down next to an 86-year-old man named Ronnie and a 55-year-old woman named Holly and began visiting with them. Ronnie was originally from the San Francisco Bay Area and spoke of the many changes to the city that he had witnessed during the years he had lived in San Diego. Holly was originally from Scotland but moved with her family to the United States at a young age. She stated that she had not visited Scotland in many years, but still had family members living there. Right away, Holly struck me as a cynical person. She was scoffing under her breath, and I quickly deduced that she was not happy to be at the program. This made me uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I continued to engage with her. At some point, Jackie stood up from her chair and moved to a different table that did not have enough LCS students sitting near the seniors, so I was left to engage with Ronnie and Holly by myself.
When Professor Lewis announced the purpose of the LEG exercise, I explained the activity to Ronnie and Holly in greater detail to be sure that they understood what we were supposed to be doing. When she heard the activity described to her, Holly became increasingly agitated and tears began to fall down her face. Although uncomfortable, and somewhat unsure of how to react, I continued to probe Holly to determine what was bothering her. She felt that, instead of imagining the hypothetical components of an age-friendly community, greater attention should be paid to solving the current issues facing seniors in their actual communities. Holly believed that San Diego was an affluent city that had the resources to help solve many of the issues facing seniors and the homeless population, such as poor sidewalk quality, but that homeless and lower-income people and senior citizens were not the priority for those in power, citing her own experiences with losing a close friend to a hit-and-run accident only weeks earlier, being unable to afford her apartment rent after the death of her roommate, and living in a van, as examples.
In addition, Holly understood the significance of quality of life and socioeconomic status as indicators on people’s experiences of aging. Holly stated that, despite being only 55 years old, she looked much older, was HIV-positive, had had cancer, would likely die fairly younger than average, and that she did not want to get older, especially since her children, who lived in Florida, were not near her. She stated that aging is even more difficult when one must do so alone. She also stated that people such as Ronnie and several of her friends whom had attended the program enjoyed aging and looked very good for their older age because they had not experienced as difficult and challenging of a life as she had. As she listened to the introductions of the LCS cohort during the program, Holly noted to me that many of the cohort members spoke to the seniors as if they were children, and she felt that this made them seem disingenuous. Holly noted to me that older people are not stupid, and she felt labeled through the activity that we were conducting. However, she noted that Jackie and I were genuine and she appreciated that we had treated her kindly and taken the time to get to know her without talking down to her. As I was listening to the seniors speak of their own experiences as members of the LGBT community, Holly tapped me on the shoulder and said goodbye, but gave me a heartfelt “Thank you” before leaving. I told her to take care of herself before I watched her walk out of the room.
My interaction with Holly was extremely sobering. On the one hand, I was very anxious and did not know how to handle the information she presenting to me. However, as time went on, I realized that Holly was an unfortunate product of a broken system, a person who had fallen through the cracks and felt lost, unheard and forgotten. By engaging with her on her level, and truly making an effort to understand her viewpoint, I had truly helped her without realizing it at the time. I believe that the root of conflicts stem from a person not feeling heard. People cling to ideas because it is the only way they feel that they have a voice in society. Ideas are presented forcefully and we often interact with the intention to respond, rather than to listen. However, I believe most people simply want to feel as if people are hearing what they say and believe that the way they see and experience the world matters and is valid. However, since this does not often occur during discussions, this desire for validation manifests in angry, hostile, cynical, passive-aggressive, and isolating behavior. I experienced many of these behaviors when I first spoke to Holly. However, by the end of our conversation, despite how uncomfortable many of the things she said made me feel, I realized that by listening, being patient, and not judging her thoughts, I had allowed her to feel heard and validated. To me, Holly seemed extremely resigned to the idea that the broken system by which she had been impacted would never be changed. She knew that her death was inevitable, and her medical, financial, and socioeconomic issues would likely propel her there sooner than later. What I believe she struggled the most with was feeling as if she was alone in this situation, that only she could see things for the way she was experiencing them. But by validating her experiences, I can only hope that I made Holly’s day, if not her life, a little bit easier to cope with.
A question posed by the LCS cohort members during this exercise, and one of the goals of the program overall, is to observe the effects and experiences of aging across the lifespan in many contexts. The program breaks stereotypes of older people created by society, such as when we visited Casa de Manana and saw the intelligence, education, affluence and thriving of the residents of the retirement community during our LEG exercises. At Bayside Community Center, we saw lower and middle-income elders who had foraged a sense of community among their neighbors that harbored pride in their roots and their neighborhood. However, just as there are many positive exceptions to stereotypes, there are also stories of those who have negative experiences, some whose experiences are extremely difficult to fathom, which are brought on by poverty, being discriminated against and marginalized, and being cut off from valuable resources. For me, Holly was my gateway into that side of the aging experience. I often worry and wonder if I will “die alone,” isolated from family and friends, and wondering if I will be happy with the way my life has turned out, or if I will be full of regrets. Holly has shown me that for some people, life is merely about surviving, and each day, you can only do the best that you can do. Oftentimes, the brightest part of their day is from the kindness of strangers, which are small blessings that they have to take as they come.
Although this may seem cliché, you truly never know what another person, the stranger next to you, is dealing with. Always be kind. You have no idea how your kind actions, no matter how small, can make the other person’s day a little bit brighter. I feel that I did that for Holly during our conversation. But even more so, I hope that we as a cohort have been able to do that for the seniors that we have encountered during this program. Despite the fact that you can defy the ageist stereotypes propagated in the media, senior citizens still suffer from ageism, and getting older can be an isolating experience. Senior citizens can feel as if they have been cast aside by society, and that their views on life, their experiences, no longer matter. A small, random act of kindness, or a short conversation can show another person that you see this person’s presence, and that what they say and how they feel truly does matter.
The event had several tables spread out, and the seniors had dispersed in various areas. We were encouraged to break into small groups of two or three, sit with one or two seniors, and visit with them. Jackie and I sat down next to an 86-year-old man named Ronnie and a 55-year-old woman named Holly and began visiting with them. Ronnie was originally from the San Francisco Bay Area and spoke of the many changes to the city that he had witnessed during the years he had lived in San Diego. Holly was originally from Scotland but moved with her family to the United States at a young age. She stated that she had not visited Scotland in many years, but still had family members living there. Right away, Holly struck me as a cynical person. She was scoffing under her breath, and I quickly deduced that she was not happy to be at the program. This made me uncomfortable. Nevertheless, I continued to engage with her. At some point, Jackie stood up from her chair and moved to a different table that did not have enough LCS students sitting near the seniors, so I was left to engage with Ronnie and Holly by myself.
When Professor Lewis announced the purpose of the LEG exercise, I explained the activity to Ronnie and Holly in greater detail to be sure that they understood what we were supposed to be doing. When she heard the activity described to her, Holly became increasingly agitated and tears began to fall down her face. Although uncomfortable, and somewhat unsure of how to react, I continued to probe Holly to determine what was bothering her. She felt that, instead of imagining the hypothetical components of an age-friendly community, greater attention should be paid to solving the current issues facing seniors in their actual communities. Holly believed that San Diego was an affluent city that had the resources to help solve many of the issues facing seniors and the homeless population, such as poor sidewalk quality, but that homeless and lower-income people and senior citizens were not the priority for those in power, citing her own experiences with losing a close friend to a hit-and-run accident only weeks earlier, being unable to afford her apartment rent after the death of her roommate, and living in a van, as examples.
In addition, Holly understood the significance of quality of life and socioeconomic status as indicators on people’s experiences of aging. Holly stated that, despite being only 55 years old, she looked much older, was HIV-positive, had had cancer, would likely die fairly younger than average, and that she did not want to get older, especially since her children, who lived in Florida, were not near her. She stated that aging is even more difficult when one must do so alone. She also stated that people such as Ronnie and several of her friends whom had attended the program enjoyed aging and looked very good for their older age because they had not experienced as difficult and challenging of a life as she had. As she listened to the introductions of the LCS cohort during the program, Holly noted to me that many of the cohort members spoke to the seniors as if they were children, and she felt that this made them seem disingenuous. Holly noted to me that older people are not stupid, and she felt labeled through the activity that we were conducting. However, she noted that Jackie and I were genuine and she appreciated that we had treated her kindly and taken the time to get to know her without talking down to her. As I was listening to the seniors speak of their own experiences as members of the LGBT community, Holly tapped me on the shoulder and said goodbye, but gave me a heartfelt “Thank you” before leaving. I told her to take care of herself before I watched her walk out of the room.
My interaction with Holly was extremely sobering. On the one hand, I was very anxious and did not know how to handle the information she presenting to me. However, as time went on, I realized that Holly was an unfortunate product of a broken system, a person who had fallen through the cracks and felt lost, unheard and forgotten. By engaging with her on her level, and truly making an effort to understand her viewpoint, I had truly helped her without realizing it at the time. I believe that the root of conflicts stem from a person not feeling heard. People cling to ideas because it is the only way they feel that they have a voice in society. Ideas are presented forcefully and we often interact with the intention to respond, rather than to listen. However, I believe most people simply want to feel as if people are hearing what they say and believe that the way they see and experience the world matters and is valid. However, since this does not often occur during discussions, this desire for validation manifests in angry, hostile, cynical, passive-aggressive, and isolating behavior. I experienced many of these behaviors when I first spoke to Holly. However, by the end of our conversation, despite how uncomfortable many of the things she said made me feel, I realized that by listening, being patient, and not judging her thoughts, I had allowed her to feel heard and validated. To me, Holly seemed extremely resigned to the idea that the broken system by which she had been impacted would never be changed. She knew that her death was inevitable, and her medical, financial, and socioeconomic issues would likely propel her there sooner than later. What I believe she struggled the most with was feeling as if she was alone in this situation, that only she could see things for the way she was experiencing them. But by validating her experiences, I can only hope that I made Holly’s day, if not her life, a little bit easier to cope with.
A question posed by the LCS cohort members during this exercise, and one of the goals of the program overall, is to observe the effects and experiences of aging across the lifespan in many contexts. The program breaks stereotypes of older people created by society, such as when we visited Casa de Manana and saw the intelligence, education, affluence and thriving of the residents of the retirement community during our LEG exercises. At Bayside Community Center, we saw lower and middle-income elders who had foraged a sense of community among their neighbors that harbored pride in their roots and their neighborhood. However, just as there are many positive exceptions to stereotypes, there are also stories of those who have negative experiences, some whose experiences are extremely difficult to fathom, which are brought on by poverty, being discriminated against and marginalized, and being cut off from valuable resources. For me, Holly was my gateway into that side of the aging experience. I often worry and wonder if I will “die alone,” isolated from family and friends, and wondering if I will be happy with the way my life has turned out, or if I will be full of regrets. Holly has shown me that for some people, life is merely about surviving, and each day, you can only do the best that you can do. Oftentimes, the brightest part of their day is from the kindness of strangers, which are small blessings that they have to take as they come.
Although this may seem cliché, you truly never know what another person, the stranger next to you, is dealing with. Always be kind. You have no idea how your kind actions, no matter how small, can make the other person’s day a little bit brighter. I feel that I did that for Holly during our conversation. But even more so, I hope that we as a cohort have been able to do that for the seniors that we have encountered during this program. Despite the fact that you can defy the ageist stereotypes propagated in the media, senior citizens still suffer from ageism, and getting older can be an isolating experience. Senior citizens can feel as if they have been cast aside by society, and that their views on life, their experiences, no longer matter. A small, random act of kindness, or a short conversation can show another person that you see this person’s presence, and that what they say and how they feel truly does matter.